Pipe Smokers Intelligencer

Whoa, boys, Jake’s headed to the barn!

I’m sorry. I sort of lost my head there for a moment. What I am about to write reminded me of my old dear and departed fishing buddy Mike Albertson. As we rocked in his boat in the heat of the day on south Louisiana swamp water, I inadvertently snagged a big, bad hornet’s nest in a dead tree snag.

As the biggest of the hornets swarmed Mike, he looked at me as if to say, now, what didja do that for. Only that’s not what came out of his mouth. I can’t print that part in a family blog, but the last part was “Whoa, boys, Jake is headed to the barn.”

Those were his last words before he leaped overboard into the snake-infested swamp water, where he had just hefted out a very large bass. When he popped up again, the hornets dive-bombed him mercilessly. I, of course, was sitting in the duck boat with one end rising high out of the swamp water, wondering what in the devil all the fuss was about.

It got explained to me back at the house over a bottle of Early Times.

Now, then, where was I? Oh, yes, the FDA has graciously supplied us with a definition of what products are considered to be tobacco products as defined by the tobacco control act.

They also placed this rather well thought out photo to make their point.

Ahhh, the ol' broken cigarette trick

Here ’tis: The term “tobacco product” means any product made or derived from tobacco that is intended for human consumption, including any component, part, or accessory of a tobacco product. This includes, among other products, cigarettes, cigarette tobacco, roll-your-own tobacco, and smokeless tobacco.

Now, I certainly hope you are clear on that. After a year at work, that’s the best the FDA can do. They haven’t updated a thing in a year. And we might not even know they were there, except for the fact that they are ready with open hand to rake in all the new excise money and your hard-earned tax dollars to set up another large federal bureaucracy.

You might want to have a look at the FDA website and go through some of their “basic questions.”

But, don’t blame me if after reading, you feel like my old friend Albertson, who is getting burned up on both ends as he tries to douse the fire with a few choice words just before jumping into the drink.

It makes about that much sense.